A letter to my long forgotten Journal

​I have been staring at the piece of white sheet with horizontal lines on it with the pen just an inch away from making a blotch on it. I wanted to say that I have been thinking that entire time but I was too blank or dead within to even use that word. When was the last time the pen touched the paper? When was it that these papers were my solace and best friend? Do I even remember those days when I spent hours and hours pouring out my emotions to my dear papers and named them as SH (sweetheart) and loved them with every ounce of blood and sweat to spare?

Where is that person who did it all? Is she still there within me or the life which gifted me with beautiful bundles of experiences filled with thorns killed my bond with my sweetheart only to give me real physical humans with souls that could only empty me? I wonder.. i wonder.. as if I even gave the liberty to my brain to wonder…

There were the times, when I slowly took Step after step to just get into the pool of sorrow but SH stayed with me. It didn’t pull me up but gave me the peace that I felt once I had drained my heart through my eyes. I thanked the clarity I got when i went seeking for a mirror to look at there after - pour out and then wipe it to get up is astonishing. 

The ‘never again’ mode was turned on in me and I never felt it again - with no arrow released from a bow would be let to hit my heart, SH went long forgotten collecting dust just as my soul; lay in the corner and went long forgotten. 

And now I see someone working it’s way through a house of litter slowly plucking out each thorn and spider, working from smile to words. And then moved on to kindling back my likes. The mounds around the heart started breaking when songs were shared and books were spoken, little by little the sparks emerged and glowed.

There surely were moments when rain of tears hit the sparks back but there was always a hand to save the last glow and bring it all back. And finally it did reach to the soul when the question of “ok so why are you not writing anymore” came up. 

SH was remembered for the first time not to stay with for pain but as friend in pleasure swelling up in my heart seeking for a home where SH could smile for me while I touch the pen on the paper I was staring at and forget the moments when she just had to be a shoulder she could never be and get eroded by dropping wetness  

Regret

Sprinting to office has become THE thing nowadays. THAT heavenly ‘5 minutes please’ sleep early in the morning which miraculously turns the hands of the clock to read 30 minutes in advance does make us Usain Bolts. Well how does that even happen? Those silly hands never… I repeat NEVER… moves a bit all night but does all magic when I sit down with an amazing book or try to do my favourite ‘5 minutes please’ in the morning. Do I regret it? O I don’t But should I? That is what I wish to know.

There are times when I have sprinted to office just to watch an old lady struggling with her bag, I so wanted to help her. But I didn’t, I kept looking at her. No it was not because I was late but it was because how would she take it if a random Asian Indian came to her and took her bag? Would she have a racist mind? Would she assume bad? By the time I made up my mind she was inside her car.

And the moment when I saw this woman wearing a beautiful silk saree was walking in front of me in the temple. The silk thread was hanging from her pallu and she didn’t notice as she was carrying her kid. Her entire family was there with her – they saw it but did nothing. Should I go help her? No I didn’t help her because I thought maybe she just liked it that way. Some women do – they prefer cutting the thread with a scissors rather with their hands as it would keep coming.

And what about the time I so wanted to offer my seat to the old man next to me in the bus? I didn’t because I was in the ladies seat and the woman next to me was already going on and on about men are bad and they sit in ladies seats.

These incidents make me think about those times when I was in school – when I used to carry the bags of random people from bus stand till their home, those times when I took random people back home for my mom to patch them up when they had fallen down or looked sick, those times when I stood keeping the lift open for others and missed my school van/college bus.

What has changed? Why do we think about ‘What ifs’ in life? We are taught to help – to serve elders – to be polite. But do those basic courtesies just fly away when we become more ‘matured’? Or has the world changed us to become so? Is that the reason why we don’t teach our kids to ‘go help others’ anymore but say ‘Don’t eat it if anyone gives you sweet’/ ‘Don’t talk to strangers’/ ‘Don’t go near strangers’… Are we giving a good world to our next generations?

We are taught NOT to regret about our actions. We need to learn from our mistakes – YES and we need to move on. It is impossible to live without failing at something but if we do then we haven’t lived at all (Well that is JK Rowling’s words). And when we can’t touch yesterday why should we let it touch us? It works for big things in life. But these little things – little moments…

Are we doing it right? Am I a good citizen? Am I a good human? Will I be a good parent? These questions because of these little moments - this regret – just stay with me.

Life, a fairytale

Life is not a fairy tale, we all have said that but do we really think before we say yeah yeah? In a fairy tale you get lost, you shrink and grow really large, you lose your way, you meet mad hatters and strange creatures, some judge you some help and some cheat, you drink unknown chemical and eat oversized cheese but you still go on because that is the only way that is the only choice. It has it all - the good, bad and the ugly.... The pain of losing the favourite shoe, being so adorned respected and loved just for a day and then it all disappears, everything will feel fake and empty. You may just look at the wall and get into a deep sleep. You may never realise that there were few dwarfs who were taking care of you, a mad hatter trying to help you, your knight caught up in a tin foil thinking it is his shining armour would be struggling to get out... But listen you don't need him to kiss you to break your sleep. You want him - yes that is agreeable after all we are born out of love, we grow up to seek love and we learn many lessons in the name of love. But Life IS a fairy tale and it doesn't have to always end with a kiss turning the frog into a prince or get you unfrozen. It can end with  you finding the secret mantra to reach hidden gold in caves or your hard work teaching an example for all grasshoppers in this world. It is all in your hands - choosing an elder wand or an invisibility clock. It is the journey that matters, the lessons what those mistakes taught matters, life matters - never the destination. NEVER give your life in other's hands. Good or bad you are responsible- write your own fairy tale. The world needs more stories - Live yours so that someone can write it down - Just like this one😊

What songs tell me

I was reading few posts on my office blogs on ARR songs and was thinking the list of songs of his I like. I have so many favorite songs but I realized that I didn’t know if it was ARR’s.  I have never asked the question whose song is this or who had sung it. This made me think “what exactly makes me like a song?”

Because to me ‘liking a song’ includes the process of, “I listen – I like – I follow the lyrics – I fall for it”. So this post is on what the songs really told me that made me fall for it :)

When I started writing this post, I had close to 20 songs in the list. When I re-read it, I understood how much patience one needs to read the write –up about 20 songs. Then I had to cut it short (without really wanting to). The songs which were scrapped of from the list include – Nee Partha (Hey Ram), Pogathe (Deepavali), Kaadhal Cricket (Thani Oruvan), When you say nothing at all (Ronan Keating), Just breathe (Anna Nalick), Manasavacha (Godavari), Uyire en uyire (Thotti Jeya) and uyir konda roja (Roja Koottam).

And when you read this post, one thing you may notice 5 out of the 12 songs I have chosen as ‘THE BEST’ written, were written by Vairamuthu. Needless to say he (according to me) is the best lyricist in Tamil.

1. Aagayam theepiditha from Madras (Kabilan)

Kaiya Vittu Kaathal Pona Kaiyil Regayilla

Kannukulla Ippo Kadal Kasivatha Paaru

These two lines were enough to explain and bring out the deepest pain created by love/ loss of a loved one in a person’s life. Without love a person has no life. It made me think of a world without any friends, parents, relatives, smiles, help, and courtesy – all the forms of love. Is it even possible for a human to be so? THIS lifelessness/ lack of future is equated to ‘kayil regayilla’. What will I do if I am forced to such a situation? I will go blank and will cry. My tears cannot be called as tears because it will pour – like a sea – kadal kasiyum.

2. Alice in wonderland theme (Avril)

When the world’s crashin’ down

When I fall and hit the ground

I will turn myself around

Don’t you try to stop it!

These words hold true in all contexts, not just for Alice who went down the Rabbit hole and fell & hit the ground who then climbed out and met the hatter. Every time I feel down or as a loser, this song makes me feel strong and make me get up and start living, to give it another try because no matter how deep or how bad my loss is, ‘I WILL turn myself around’ and start living again. I don’t want anyone to hold me back – either when I am making a decision regarding my life or when I win/loss in that process. Mistakes make a person strong, it defines wisdom so ‘Don’t you try to strop it!’

3. Arima Arima from Enthiran (Vairamuthu)

Raatchasan Vaendam Rasigan Vaendum

This, according to me is one of the best written songs in Tamil cinema in recent times. The song is so powerful that it will make us understand how powerful a human creation can get to. It clearly depicts the ego of the man-made application which when left to work on its own. I love this line particularly because this single line from the female completely defines what the entire human generation wants from all the human inventions.

4. Evano oruvan from Alaipayuthey (Vairamuthu)

Innisai Mattum Illaiyenraal Naan Enroa Enroa Irandhiruppaen

A world without songs – with no music – I am in loss of words to explain that emptiness. Every time I listen to this song, it makes me wonder of such an emptiness. This song makes me think and that is exactly why I love it.

5. Idhayam from Kochadaiyaan (Vairamuthu)

Senthee Vizhuntha Sempor Paaraiyil

Mandhi Uruttum Mayilini Mutayaai

Imagine you are the peacock and just in front of your eyes a monkey is taking away your egg and rolling it over the volcanic bed stones which is so hot. You are unsure what to do because you can’t fly. The monkey is far way, your egg is due and may hatch because of the heat. The baby may fall in the lava or be killed due to the heat or by the monkey. As a parent peacock all you can do is just keep watching the egg and your heart is in great turmoil.

This picture in my mind the first time I heard it made me love this song.

6. Ennena seithom ingu from Mayakkam Enna (Dhanush)

Anbaana Punnaigai Seivaai

Azhagaana Paarvayil Kolvaai

Nee Enbathu Naan Allava.. Vidai Solgiraai

Every single day when I enter the temple and look at the god’s idol, I feel she/he is looking at me, judging me based on what I did the entire day, deciding whether I was a good human on that day and then smile at me. That smile on good days feels like she/he is happy about me and on bad days feel like she/he is telling me, ‘whatever you do I know you because you are me’. When I heard this song the first time I felt these lines perfectly explains my every day conversation with God.

7. Varavu ettana selavu pathana from Bhama Vijayam (Kannadhasan)

nilaimaikku mele ninaippu vanthaal nimmadhi irukkathu

alavukku mele aasaiyum vanthaal ullathum nilaikkathu

I love every single line in this song but most particularly these two. I have been brought up by my grandparents and all my early life (school times I mean because I am still in early life :p) I have seen by grandpa writing down every single income/expense in his diary and maintaining it year wise. He taught me on India’s economic reforms and increase in inflation. He often said spend – that is good for you and also for the country but spend as much your pocket allows you too. This song and these lines remind me my grandpa and his words.

8. Enga pona rasa from Mariyaan (Kutti Revathi)

Naan Enna Seiya Raasa En Vayasu Veenaaguthu

The slow music with powerful lyrics – that is the key of this song to touch my heart. These two lines defines the entire movie from the female’s perspective. So simple yet extremely powerful. She is powerless to fight against the time, all she can do is wait. But in the process waste time – something which can never be got back.

9. Kurukku Chiruthavale from Mudhalvan (Vairamuthu)

Oru Kannil Neer Kasiya Uthatu Vazhi Usir Kasiya

Onnaala Sila Murai Irakkavum Sila Murai Pirakkavum Aanathae

How could someone not fall for this song after listening to this line? I mean according to me, a person is considered a human if he/she gets to experience these lines from his/her partner many times in their lifetime. Such a beautiful way to express the joy of a relationship in both physical & emotional manner.

10. vaadi rasathi from 36 vayathinile (Vivek)

Potta Pulla Poha Ulakam Paath Pottu Vaikkum

Muttu Chanthu Paathu Antha Roadu Poi Nikkum

I had a really bad day at my inlaw’s place (the usual drama every woman has to handle) and then I gotto listen to this song in YouTube. When I heard this line I couldn’t stop laughing. It perfectly depicts the deadlock situation set up for every ambitious married woman in their life. This line made me think, “ahaa ivangalum baathikka pattu irukkanga pola”

11. Yaar veetu from Neerparavai (Vairamuthu)

Mazhai Sottu Mannil Vizhunthal

Marukkindra Bhoomiyum Illai

Manithar Iruvar Ulla Varaikkum

Agathi Èndru Yaarum Illai

I was not able to choose a line from this poem because this song has given me so many emotions. There was a line which explained the beauty of being/becoming a mother – Nee Vanthu Nirayumpothu Vazhvodu Verumai Illai. There was a line which made me feel that the word ‘orphan’ is in itself a lie and should not exist – Nilangal Neelum Varayil, Uyirgal Vaazhum Varayil, Yaarumae Anathai Illayae… But my most favorite are lines I have quoted above. I read the biography of Nelson Mandela and then the same day I listened to this song – maybe that is the reason why these lines had such a great emotional impact on me.

12. Unakenna venum solu from Yennai Arinthaal (Thamarai)

Kanavugal Theinthathendru

Kalangida Koodathendru

Thinam Thinam Iravu Vanthu

Thoongacholiyathey

For an insomniac like me, the importance of sleep never hits the brain. I always think – I can do this and this and that in those 8 hours, why waste it by sleeping. These lines actually made me to keep an alarm and really TRY to sleep. I have been following it till date. And when I can’t get sleep (which is often), I listen to this song (along with other few favorites of mine)

What songs tell me

I was reading Few post on ARR songs and was thinking the list of songs of his I like. I have so many favorite songs but I realized that I didn’t know if it was ARR’s.  I have never asked the question whose song is this or who had sung it. This made me think “what exactly makes me like a song?”

Because to me ‘liking a song’ includes the process of, “I listen – I like – I follow the lyrics – I fall for it”. So this post is on what the songs really told me that made me fall for it 

When I started writing this post, I had close to 20 songs in the list. When I re-read it, I understood how much patience one needs to read the write –up about 20 songs. Then I had to cut it short (without really wanting to). The songs which were scrapped of from the list include – Nee Partha (Hey Ram), Pogathe (Deepavali), Kaadhal Cricket (Thani Oruvan), When you say nothing at all (Ronan Keating), Just breathe (Anna Nalick), Manasavacha (Godavari), Uyire en uyire (Thotti Jeya) and uyir konda roja (Roja Koottam).

And when you read this post, one thing you may notice 5 out of the 12 songs I have chosen as ‘THE BEST’ written, were written by Vairamuthu. Needless to say he (according to me) is the best lyricist in Tamil.

1. Aagayam theepiditha from Madras (Kabilan)

Kaiya Vittu Kaathal Pona Kaiyil Regayilla

Kannukulla Ippo Kadal Kasivatha Paaru

These two lines were enough to explain and bring out the deepest pain created by love/ loss of a loved one in a person’s life. Without love a person has no life. It made me think of a world without any friends, parents, relatives, smiles, help, and courtesy – all the forms of love. Is it even possible for a human to be so? THIS lifelessness/ lack of future is equated to ‘kayil regayilla’. What will I do if I am forced to such a situation? I will go blank and will cry. My tears cannot be called as tears because it will pour – like a sea – kadal kasiyum.

2. Alice in wonderland theme (Avril)

When the world’s crashin’ down

When I fall and hit the ground

I will turn myself around

Don’t you try to stop it!

These words hold true in all contexts, not just for Alice who went down the Rabbit hole and fell & hit the ground who then climbed out and met the hatter. Every time I feel down or as a loser, this song makes me feel strong and make me get up and start living, to give it another try because no matter how deep or how bad my loss is, ‘I WILL turn myself around’ and start living again. I don’t want anyone to hold me back – either when I am making a decision regarding my life or when I win/loss in that process. Mistakes make a person strong, it defines wisdom so ‘Don’t you try to strop it!’

3. Arima Arima from Enthiran (Vairamuthu)

Raatchasan Vaendam Rasigan Vaendum

This, according to me is one of the best written songs in Tamil cinema in recent times. The song is so powerful that it will make us understand how powerful a human creation can get to. It clearly depicts the ego of the man-made application which when left to work on its own. I love this line particularly because this single line from the female completely defines what the entire human generation wants from all the human inventions.

4. Evano oruvan from Alaipayuthey (Vairamuthu)

Innisai Mattum Illaiyenraal Naan Enroa Enroa Irandhiruppaen

A world without songs – with no music – I am in loss of words to explain that emptiness. Every time I listen to this song, it makes me wonder of such an emptiness. This song makes me think and that is exactly why I love it.

5. Idhayam from Kochadaiyaan (Vairamuthu)

Senthee Vizhuntha Sempor Paaraiyil

Mandhi Uruttum Mayilini Mutayaai

Imagine you are the peacock and just in front of your eyes a monkey is taking away your egg and rolling it over the volcanic bed stones which is so hot. You are unsure what to do because you can’t fly. The monkey is far way, your egg is due and may hatch because of the heat. The baby may fall in the lava or be killed due to the heat or by the monkey. As a parent peacock all you can do is just keep watching the egg and your heart is in great turmoil.

This picture in my mind the first time I heard it made me love this song.

6. Ennena seithom ingu from Mayakkam Enna (Dhanush)

Anbaana Punnaigai Seivaai

Azhagaana Paarvayil Kolvaai

Nee Enbathu Naan Allava.. Vidai Solgiraai

Every single day when I enter the temple and look at the god’s idol, I feel she/he is looking at me, judging me based on what I did the entire day, deciding whether I was a good human on that day and then smile at me. That smile on good days feels like she/he is happy about me and on bad days feel like she/he is telling me, ‘whatever you do I know you because you are me’. When I heard this song the first time I felt these lines perfectly explains my every day conversation with God.

7. Varavu ettana selavu pathana from Bhama Vijayam (Kannadhasan)

nilaimaikku mele ninaippu vanthaal nimmadhi irukkathu 

alavukku mele aasaiyum vanthaal ullathum nilaikkathu

I love every single line in this song but most particularly these two. I have been brought up by my grandparents and all my early life (school times I mean because I am still in early life :p) I have seen by grandpa writing down every single income/expense in his diary and maintaining it year wise. He taught me on India’s economic reforms and increase in inflation. He often said spend – that is good for you and also for the country but spend as much your pocket allows you too. This song and these lines remind me my grandpa and his words.

8. Enga pona rasa from Mariyaan (Kutti Revathi)

Naan Enna Seiya Raasa En Vayasu Veenaaguthu

The slow music with powerful lyrics – that is the key of this song to touch my heart. These two lines defines the entire movie from the female’s perspective. So simple yet extremely powerful. She is powerless to fight against the time, all she can do is wait. But in the process waste time – something which can never be got back.

9. Kurukku Chiruthavale from Mudhalvan (Vairamuthu)

Oru Kannil Neer Kasiya Uthatu Vazhi Usir Kasiya

Onnaala Sila Murai Irakkavum Sila Murai Pirakkavum Aanathae

How could someone not fall for this song after listening to this line? I mean according to me, a person is considered a human if he/she gets to experience these lines from his/her partner many times in their lifetime. Such a beautiful way to express the joy of a relationship in both physical & emotional manner.

10. vaadi rasathi from 36 vayathinile (Vivek)

Potta Pulla Poha Ulakam Paath Pottu Vaikkum

Muttu Chanthu Paathu Antha Roadu Poi Nikkum

I had a really bad day at my inlaw’s place (the usual drama every woman has to handle) and then I gotto listen to this song in YouTube. When I heard this line I couldn’t stop laughing. It perfectly depicts the deadlock situation set up for every ambitious married woman in their life. This line made me think, “ahaa ivangalum baathikka pattu irukkanga pola”

11. Yaar veetu from Neerparavai (Vairamuthu)

Mazhai Sottu Mannil Vizhunthal

Marukkindra Bhoomiyum Illai

Manithar Iruvar Ulla Varaikkum

Agathi Èndru Yaarum Illai

I was not able to choose a line from this poem because this song has given me so many emotions. There was a line which explained the beauty of being/becoming a mother – Nee Vanthu Nirayumpothu Vazhvodu Verumai Illai. There was a line which made me feel that the word ‘orphan’ is in itself a lie and should not exist – Nilangal Neelum Varayil, Uyirgal Vaazhum Varayil, Yaarumae Anathai Illayae… But my most favorite are lines I have quoted above. I read the biography of Nelson Mandela and then the same day I listened to this song – maybe that is the reason why these lines had such a great emotional impact on me.

12. Unakenna venum solu from Yennai Arinthaal (Thamarai)

Kanavugal Theinthathendru

Kalangida Koodathendru

Thinam Thinam Iravu Vanthu

Thoongacholiyathey

For an insomniac like me, the importance of sleep never hits the brain. I always think – I can do this and this and that in those 8 hours, why waste it by sleeping. These lines actually made me to keep an alarm and really TRY to sleep. I have been following it till date. And when I can’t get sleep (which is often), I listen to this song (along with other few favorites of mine)

Every year - same time

“Happy New Year”

“Any plans for New Year?”

“How did your New Year celebrations go?”

And then all those beautiful, creative, exciting, mundane forwards, statuses, images, quotes and messages.

For some it is time spent with family, for few others it is time spent with friends.

We grow up from sharing chocolates, going to temple, wishing parents to party with friends then sitting in a far away land reminscing the past memories and the cycle takes us back to chocolates temple & wishing kids/parents.

Oh yes and this is the time the ‘New Year resolutions’ are discussed. Most feel that resolutions are never met but there are a handful who really work to make it happen – my last year resolutions included (though I never mention them as resolutions and tell me that I took a resolution 5 years back that I will never take a resolution and always follow it)

1. Work in a land where I have not lived all my life but not too far away from home so that there are people whom I call family close by

2. Buy/Read around 80 books

3.Stop thinking about those to whom I meant nothin

4. Smile – nobody is worth my tears

5. Move away – people who matter will stay

I have got 4 out of the 5 right. (Didn’t complete the target of 80 books  ) and I hope to be ALMOST successful if not completely this year as well.

1. Work in a far away land which has a totally different culture

2. Go on a trip to an unknown place – visit take pics have fun

3. Bending too much also breaks – speak out - trust & love myself - enough is enough

4. Read read & read – get the target of 80 met this year

5. Care and love everyone to whom I mean a lot

I wish you all a very happy new year. I am sure mine is going to be a roller coaster ride filled with adventures (which is exactly how I want it to be every year). Hope you all also get your wishes granted this year. And yeah wish me luck  :p

The Much Needed Pause

Kaalai ezhunthavudan padippu Pinbu Kanivu Kodukkum Nalla Paattu Malai muzhuthum vilayaattu endru vazhakka paduthikollu papa..

Endro sonnan Barathi

Andru padikkayil – enna vedikkai naam ithu thaane seigirom, ithai paataai elzhuthi paadavum venduma endru irunthathu.

Naatkal kadanthoda – Pallikku arimugam aanom…

Kaalai ezhuthavudan Palli athu Maalai varai thodarum… Pinbu veedu vanthu veettu paadam.. Silarukku tuition..

Odal thodangiyathu… Oda thodanginom… Ulagam naam nindru thirumbi paakka iyalaamal munne thalliyathu..

Naamum alaigalil sikkiya maramaaga mithanthu konde vanthom…

Indru Kaalai, Maalai, Iravu – endrum eppozhuthum client, project, deliverable, meetings, issues, resolution

Oru murai athigamaaga kan simitta kooda nera illai..

30 mani neram irunthaalum athu pothum endru sollum nilaimayil naam illa…

But just for one second… I thought, I wished…

One extra breadth, one extra minute – Just for myself

To love myself – To be myself – To live for myself..

And so the plans were made for weekends- Some got executed some went as a dream..

But THAT break from the ‘Run of Life’

Is the much needed Pause..

To stay sane.. To Stay Alive ..

#MyChoice

Declaimer - I am going to get blasted with comments for this write up - STILL

Vogue, a magazine which was established for the New York Aristocracy, a magazine which has penetrated into the Indian market targeting the elite population has come up with #MyChoice – a short film to empower women. 

So yes I know and so it is for all of you out there – this video is pretty controversial and has so many ‘choices’ which could not be accepted by the Indian population. I am being generic in using the term ‘population’ – No I am not telling only men. It is the way of thinking and cannot be gender specific.

The video has well groomed neat looking women who look beautiful – I know you have a problem with that – I agree that ‘REAL’ women are not like this. But why can’t you agree that ‘REAL’ women can also be like this? Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Maybe Homi Adajania wants us to view every women in our life like how they look in this video with our eyes – because deep within every soul (men & women) is amazing. Give some credit to those 99 women who are part of the video. Maybe they are just models or maybe they are not. You and me – we do not have any clue on what they have been through in their life and what made them say what they did in the video.

I know there are many things in the video which is/can be widely accepted by everyone – My body My Mind My Choice

Wear the cloths I like to – I love wearing jean or sari – I don’t prefer salwars it is my choice & I am sure you will agree to that.

To be size 0 or size 15 – I am sure you are not going to tell me I should diet or eat my heart out to fit into a particular dress. Please I really hope not.

To marry or Not to marry – We have Lata Mageshkar, Mother Teresa, Saina Neywal, Suda Moorthy, you & me. Some are married, some or not and some may be in the near future and some may never will. I am sure you all have great respect to all these women & don’t judge them based on their choice of relationship.

To have sex before marriage – I agree talking about ‘SEX’ is a taboo in our country, I agree you are not OK with this particular statement but can you think it this way? Sex is a person’s private life what is to happen within 4 walls and it truly depends on the people involved in it. IF a woman is OK with having sex before her marriage then isn't that the choice she willingly makes with her body & her life? And the person who is going to judge her & accept/reject her is his choice. Why we are even bothered about that? Deepika (I hate her BTW) says it is her choice. Why can’t we accept the fact?

To have sex after marriage – No problem there I guess.

To have sex outside marriage – Don’t we live in a country/state where our Ex-CM has a ‘Manaivi’ and a ‘Thunaivi’ and aren't we are OK with it? To that ‘Thunaivi’ isn't it sex outside marriage? Do we judge them? Don’t we respect them for their age & their boldness and accept them? And yeah what about our ‘Aandavar’? Isn't it ‘sex outside marriage’ for his partner? Still aren't we calling him the ‘God’? So does that mean we will praise & judge women on what she does ONLY based on the man she is with? In that case what the video is for is actually justified? sex outside marriage is NOT cheating. If that is what you understood it as then it is your mindset or your English that has the problem NOT the video. I just remember a person called 'Periyar' here and comedian Vivek's statement - 'Ungala ellam 1000 periyar vanthaalum thirutha mudiyathu'.

To not have sex at all – This I am sure you don’t have any issues with. It is the husband’s headache IF that woman is married.

To have a kid or Not – I truly believe it is the couple's choice. To the country & to the people who keep asking right from the 3rd month after marriage - 'Any good news?' you have no clue what the woman is going through at her household - she may have issues/he may have issues/they may have issues medically or emotionally. We don't have to know we don't have to ask. Yes it is a choice.

She says she may not wear the bindi, the bangles but will love truly with all heart that person she trusts. Is that so wrong? Should Men/women publicize to the entire world their relationship status? Why talk about it unless & until it is required? I remember those 'She: I am committed' jokes here. You joke about those who share their relationship status in public but can't take it when a number of women say in a video that they don't want to publicize it with ornaments.

I can go on with each statement made in the video & I truly feel that though I can NEVER accept with certain things it says, I WILL also NOT be the man/ woman who judge another woman based on what her choices are & how she has decided to live her private life. A woman’s/man’s private/sex choices & orientations are NOT going to affect me or change what the person means to me.

I personally feel that it is HER/HIS choice and my I will NOT judge people/humans based on their choice of their private life. The video is to make people understand that ‘TO JUDGE’ women based on their private choices & looks is not fair. But the end outcome is that that is what is being done to the video in itself. There is difference between what I/WE think of others and what I/WE think of ME/OURselves. The video says 'My Mind My Body My Choice'. So yes you have 100% right to talk about YOUR life & not others.

There is difference between ‘will YOU/I do?’ what the video says and just let people do what they feel like doing. So It is their life – their choice and in the end they will face the consequences if there are any. Let them fight their battle please don’t make it more complicated for them.

#ShameOnYouTimesNow

Being an Indian, cricket has become part of my life. Whether I am a man or woman, literate or not; have food/electricity/money at my home or not, I still do find time to watch/listen to cricket. I am what you call an aam aadmi. To me cricket equals patriotism, sportsmanship, hobby, superstition & religion. I cry & laugh & pray & live for my team. 

I, a person who has born, lived & would die with cricket tell you that MY Team & MY captain are THE BEST in the world. 

This is the team which did not make me loathe my love for the game, this is the team that re-instilled confidence & proved me that hard work & dedication can make ANYTHING possible, ANYONE a hero. It gave me the courage to bounce back, the trust to expect& believe in the unexpected, to dream bigger & also to accept the final result.

I am happy. I am proud. But Dear Media - you who represent us why aren't you? 

Be realistic - be like me. There is happiness in loss to - that is called wisdom. Life is NOT a circus it doesn't always need drama. Stop making this  painful satisfaction a opportunist's event.

Remember it was never us to own. We snached it from someone & gave it to someone else. We definitely can & will have it back. We are positive. I am positive- wish you are too Dear Media. I really wish that you are too. 

Women's Day Special - 2015

Happy women's day - these words , statuses & posts are to make women happy but all it does is make us smirk.

We wish we could be happy & accept your wishes wholeheartedly. We wish we could accept the fact that we are adored only one day in 365 days. We wish we could say that men rule this world & not just our hearts. We wish we could stay quiet & do as said... We wish too... If we were not born as humans...

To most men out there who are active for 16 hours a day, try to live our life which stretches 20 hours a day - then you will respect women.

We can't sleep even if we wish to & even if we are medically ought to sleep more hours than men, we need to cook though the world knows men are better cooks than women. Some of us don't cook not because we don't but because we can't - not everyone can do everything.

we need to make the house a home - some of us are obsessed with cleanliness & can't stand a spot of dirt while some of us can live in a dustbin like a queen.

Some of us go to office not because we need money but because we like to be independent & give you your space while some of us don't because we are tired of your 'women should stay at home' drama.

Some of us study because we love to know answers to questions while some of us don't because we want to take care of disabled men & family back home who need us to tale care of them.

Some of us have friends because we love to care for people while some of don't because we prefer being alone.

Some of us get married because we either trust the guy or our parents who chose the guy while some of us don't as we feel we love ourselves more & not make someone else responsible for our lives.

Some of us have kids because we adore them so much & some of us don't because we adore other's kids soo much & not sure if men in our lives are as strong as we are.

Some of us ride bikes while some don't- just like you. Some of us wear makeup while not the others - just like you. Some of us are choosy about our dress& styles while are not - just like you.

We stand the drama at home, school/college and at work. We don't cry when the world get gloomier but we do when we lose our favorite earring. We fight for a cause even against the world but become submissive once we enter our house.

We do not need you to create a cleaner home instead of us but we want you to support when we do that. We don't want you to cook for us, we want you just not eat everything we make & let us go to bed in hunger. We don't want you to send us money or work for us, we just want you to let us work just like we let you. We don't want you to accept & mingle with all our friends, we just want you not to show faces to them. We don't want you to fight our superiors when they become men-centric at work, we just want you to ask 'how was the day' when we reach home. We don't want you to carry the kid for us, it is a boon given to us- we just want you to change diapers. We don't want you to write expenses, we just want you to tell us the truth when we make monthly budgets. We don't want you to like/share/praise our memes/ statuses/pictures, we just want you to understand we do it for our own relaxation & not comment ill regarding it. We don't want you to stay at home all the time; we just want you to tell us when you’ll be back home & attend our calls. We don't want you to visit us every day; we just wish you don't ask us to move to an old age home.

We are women - remember we will always be the one to open the door for you when you are in trouble - as a sister, friend, lover, wife, mother, daughter, grandma, niece, aunt & in law. We are better at playing games but we just don't because we trust you. We hope you don't look at us as a weaker sex/physical pleasure/emotional pain/servant.

Remember the next time you wear those shorts & tight tees, you may very well get raped but you are not so look at those women's reactions & please follow it when you see us dressed like you did.

Just because we are born without the 'Y' & with one extra 'X' chromosome we cannot be ignored. We don't need your approval, we need our space & we need your support just like you need ours for everything.

Kritika & 2014

The most common post which we all get to read & write at this time of the year – a Rewind of the previous year, and here is mine.

Just like every single year, this year started with expectations, dreams and promises. I belong to that category of people who feel that every day is a new year, every minute is a new beginning – this is just to say that I don’t make new year resolutions (simply because like the entire human population, I never accomplish it). With a new hair cut at Green Trends, my performance in the previous 1 month project earning me a permanent place in the new team, the New Year 2014 started.

‘Karnan’ – the amazing movie on friendship was the first movie I saw when this year started. So to me 2014 happened to be a year dedicated for friendship & reliving the past memories. Marriages are always a good reason to meet old friends – UG gang mate’s marriage in March, a visit to Hard Rock Cafe in April with school mates, CTS training batch mates meet, the trip to Kumbakonam for project mate’s wedding in June, then to Trichy, Cuddalore for training batch mate’s marriage, then to Rasipuram for account mate’s wedding – this indeed was the year filled with so many marriages.

Accomplished the goal – visit 10 countries before 25 – Dubai was the 10th one in March; a place which makes humans proud of our accomplishments with technology & Engineering skills.

Some nostalgic memories which I want to store in my heart – remembering those old day chats in Orkut when it was closed, when my best friend came for a week & left back to UK, when there were 2 more new joinees to my family (my bro’s 2nd kid & sis’s 2nd kid), the ‘Diwali’ together (whole family dancing for ‘engla veetil ellam naalum karthikai’ song), trip to native village (again with entire family), my husband’s surprise Birthday cake & gift, midnight visit to beach – WOW I did roam a lot this year.

Many newer hobbies starting with Rangoli (thanks to the Client’s visit), nail art (flooded FB for few months with new crazy designs), around Chennai in 90 days (every weekend one new place in Chennai), MEME creation (some like below got really famous), following IPL & Football WC, so many movies & so many reviews, make overs – too many times (my 2nd tattoo, hair coloring AGAIN and so on), a resolution to read 100 books in 2014 (oops I forgot, yes I did have this one but did not complete just like every year), set up a personal library at home…

Many new friends (thanks to FB & c2 blogs), many followers, new DP pics which I changed almost every week, many new, thought provoking news & happenings. Scoowoop – one best site I came across. Chance to meet my ex (ok let us not go there – but yeah it was not THAT awkward as I expected. In fact it made me realize I have indeed made peace with my past and accepted the reality).

This is the year which gave me both the deepest pain and happiest moments – but that is what I feel at the end of every year. Because just like every single year, this year also has given me the chance to make mistakes and correct them. It has made me stronger & more matured. It has helped me find answers for some questions, opened new doors to keep walking but has also closed many other doors and made me realize life is indeed an adventure and it is the journey which makes it interesting and not the destination.

[Meme] My audio cassette

Open any cupboard at my home and there you can see a card board box filled with cassettes. Today though they are just to occupy the vacant spaces in the house, once they were the life and soul for my dad. In a family filled with music lovers, finding audio cassettes, music cds, ipods is not something un heard of. But those days when we (me and my sister) plan to clean the house, number every single cassette and create a list to identify them were beautiful memories.

Thanks to Vivek for this post. Reading it made me nostalgic. Though I was not personally tagged in his post, his idea of ’5 songs that he would record in one side of an audio cassette’ sounded interesting to me and so here is my pick.

1. o palan hare (2001)

The first audio cassette I bought from my pocket money and the last audio cassette which was ever bought in my house. This particular song is my 1st pick as this is the song which reminds me of my sister’s (cousin) home in Trichy were we used to lock all the doors and windows when we were alone and listen to this song repeatedly for hours and hours till someone came.  This song is synonyms to the long dark corridor of that old house with a very big garden at the back yard.

Movie/Album Name : Lagaan
Song Title : O Palan Hare
Artist(s)/Singer : Udit Narayanan, Lata Mageshkar
Music Director : A.R.Rahman

2. Uyire en uyire (2005)

Sometimes we may never know which movie that particular song is, who sang it or who were the actors in it. We may have never seen its visuals or heard the song completely too. But that one tune/line heard somewhere and sometimes just sticks to our heart and we keep repeating the same line for hours and hours. Uyire en uyire in one such song to me. ‘Oru nimidam oru nimidam enai ne piriyathe enatharugil ne irunthaal thalai kaal puriyathe’ – that was the line. Later when I knew about and heard the entire song, it became my most favourite.

Movie/Album Name : Thotti Jaya
Song Title : Uyire en uyire
Artist(s)/Singer : Anuradha Sriram, Bombay Jayashree, Karthik
Music Director : Harris Jayaraj, Yuvan Shankar Raja

3. Breathe (2004)

I am extremely choosy when it comes to English songs. BSB, Avril Lavigne, Katy Perry, Bruno Mars, Akon, Eminem (very few), Hannah Montana (initial songs not now) are my choices. This and the one next are the exceptions. I came across a Facebook quiz in which I had to answer a number of personal questions and it came up with a song which describes the person (me). This song was the result I got. And when I searched for it and heard to it- I just fell for it. Amazing words.

Movie/Album Name : Wreck of the Day
Song Title : Breathe (2 AM)
Artist(s)/Singer : Anna Nalick

4. Back to December (2010)

Again (as said before) an exception (both to my usual choice and also to the rule Vivek had levied in his post that the songs should be between the year 1995 and 2005)  to my usual choices. A really good friend of mine suggested me to listen to this song. And that very second I did – it became my favourite.

Movie/Album Name : Speak Now
Song Title : Back To December
Artist(s)/Singer : Tylor Swift

5. Enga pona rasa (2013)

There are sooo many songs which are my favourites but I had to choose only 5 (so I am not following the year rule again :p )and this one was the most difficult choice (My other choices were kann azhaga-3, thum se hi – jab we met, Teenage Dream – Katy Perry, Ramachakkani seetha ki – Godavari, Vennilave – Minsara kanavu and Yaar petra magano-Kaththi). I heard this song the first time when I saw the movie. The the pain of that actress was so convincing and touching. I could feel my heart weep along and it was just possible with this song in the background. And everytime I listen to this song I remember that movie and her longing. Thus my final pick.

Movie/Album Name : Mariyaan
Song Title : Enga Pona Raasa
Artist(s)/Singer : Shakthisree Gopalan
Music Director : A.R.Rahman

 

There are my picks. What about you?

The woman in my life

 

Marriage – the word in itself kindles so many emotions in women. The emotions are usually involved with the husband to be but in my case it is involved with my mother. Till then I always considered myself as a bold, independent girl who feels that expressing one’s emotions is a sign of weakness. I have never sat next to my parents or siblings and had a heart – to heart chat. But a week after I got married I started missing my mom. I realized that was the first time (the longest time too) I was away from my mother. Being a working woman (Doctor) she wakes up at 6.00AM cooks for the family within an hour and starts to office at 8.00AM. She treats people in my area for free in the evenings. She teaches many students and corrects their assignments and papers every night. Every single day she goes to bed after 1.00AM. Every weekend she is there in some college/university giving lectures. But still she is/was always there at home when I (used to) start to school/college and when I am/was back. She has sacrificed so much in her career for the sake of our family. I realized this when I had to start doing the same for my new family.

 

My mom is extremely conscious about cleanliness/diet and education. She has taught me how to make decisions, how to live, how to speak and how to listen. She preaches discipline and to never blindly believe anything (even the customs and traditions followed in our culture) without knowing the scientific reason behind it. She is easy to talk to and is extremely bold yet patient. Every small incident in my in-law’s house made/make me feel, miss and worship my mother. I realized her love for my dad only after I got married – when I had someone is the same position as my dad is for my mom. Today in her own way she teaches me how to love and stay in love every single day.

 

To that one woman who had once been my God, then mother, then sister, then nagger, then enemy and now my best friend, taught me life is not a bed of roses but it can be turned easily into one with love and only a woman can do it, not just this one week but my entire life is because of you and is dedicated to you. Love you mom and thanks for everything.

music n me - A strange bonding

There was a time I used to cry and make up excuses to avoid going to music class. I used to come back from school and just 10 minutes before my music class time, I used to sleep off knowing very well that my mom wouldn't wake up. And there were times I used to sit at the end in the music class and enjoy the sound of the rain outside. But those were just few memories. I was never inclined to music then though the whole world used to say that I was a good singer back then. I never felt it was a big deal when I did my kacheris in one of the biggest Mandapam and temples in Madurai. I didn't hate it but I never loved it too. All my thoughts were just on sports back then.

But when I left my home town and as days flew by, everything changed. I longed for those music classes. It made me feel special; it took me to a different world filled with only peace. And when I didn't have it, I missed it. I realized its worth. I wanted to start with it yet again but in vain. 

When we wanted something and when it is so close but when we don't get it, we long for it even more. And that would make us obsessed to it, filling our mind and thoughts. Music did that to me. I could not live even a second without my ipod. The worst day of my life was when my ipod broke. I couldn't do any other work at all. I needed music when I was eating, when I was sleeping, when I was happy or sad, studying or not. Music had been my best pal, my soul company for years and years and days without it made me feel lonely.

I could relate everything happening and happened in my life to songs. I could express myself better only with it. If it is day or night it is music with me all the time. My dream proposal had music, my dream guy was a singer and my best moments were made with songs. The instant happy mood switch is capable in me if music existed. I had difficulty in sleeping when it left me. It gave me a sort of pain what a break up gave people. And it ached more when people couldn't understand it.

And then it all changed. After 9 months of suffering, I got a new Ipod. It brought me back my life and soul. I felt alive. And this thing between music and me can be like the bond between 2 best buddies, between a sweetest couple, between a mother and her child and maybe much more.

Music and Me - the strangest bond - the unique couple

Happieee bdayyyy Arviiiii :) :)

Dance has brought so many beautiful relationships in my life and the best one of all is you. It was in 2010, Jan 9th and that was when I first saw you in Villivakkam. Weird it was to meet my own college mate somewhere outside college and weirder still when I asked you "oh you are a final year guy?" And maybe you would have never expected me to be asking you " EEE uh? Appo enna pathi nariyaaaa kelvi patu iruppiyae?". But to be honest that very instant I saw you, I liked you. It is uncommon to see a simple silent looking guy who has his own style which makes him unique and distinct. From then on I knew you as a nice guy and you never proved my instincts to be wrong. Those times when we practiced it was fun especially with the other two psychos around us. We have had some dark memories then - thanks to the picture our college had about me. But then the accident, and the psychos and my nonstop talks changed things between us.

We know everything about each other and you are the only person in this world whom I trust more than my life. You are always there to share my happiness and sorrow. You are the only one who knows to handle my temper and mood swings. You are my strength and weakness and most of all you are my bestest friend in this world. Ne thookathula kooda "arviiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" tone marakka matta nu ninaikuraen :p

The times which we spent together in railway station, Crompet and everywhere else is heavenly. The day you bought (y)our pulsar, last new year, my birthday (23rd) - (though you forgot my the year b4 birthday and got semma dose from me :p ), Abhyudaya, Malu's huz in coimbatore are the most unforgettable days of my life. 

Don't forget I taught you how to talk a lot, how to chat for hours and hours over the phone....Most of the firends you have are mine (FB la un bday ku wish panathu ellam yaarunu paaru :p ) And remember you are STILL not allowed to say anyone else's name if I ask you "who is important me or ....." or like any comment which is against me or comment anything against me in FB :p And most important of all, don't try to act like a matured guy and talk dialogues and move away everytime - I need you to stand with a bucket and mop beside me everytime :p :p

Have an awesome birthday........... Love you loadsssssssssss.............. Atlastttttt you are 23 now.... small boy :p :p

 

Oru photo edukka viduriya doggu........ cha eppo entha photo eduthaalum delete panidu... ippo evlo kashtama irukku paaru :@

P.S. Don't feel bad for the Crompet girl.... Or for the Coimbatore girls…. But sadly you can never have a girl friend/ flirt with any girl in your life :p poor you.... 

 #valkaiyila orey ponnoda pesi life uh odidum pola

P.P.S. You don't have a choice Arvi.... you HAVE to stand my torture forever.... :D :D

Suicide

The toughest thing to perform in this world is killing. And killing oneself is even more tougher. Needless to say near to impossible. It is not because of the pain or anything but there are other factors which make it really tough. 

You stop eating and all you do is sleeping for days. Then when your brain and heart becomes completely numb of pain and then this realization of what have i achieved in this world, why should I live?  occurs in your minds. Then you try to do the only possible and best solution at that second-to kill yourself. And when you try to do so, the brain never works. you keep roaming around the house a million times but the most obvious places where the knife, scissors, stool, rat poison are usually stored completely skip the mind. Your eyes are completely filled with tears and even if these things are just in front of your eyes, you can never see it. And only now your old buddy would call to 'just chat' and your best friend would be talking about his girlfriend and asking you for advice. When all these hindrances are done, your parents who usually never wake up in the middle of the night come to the kitchen to ask you one million questions. 

Then you try to cut your hand and only when you try it, you realize how blunt your kitchen knife is. After all these you finally feel hanging is the best option and try to tie the dupatta, suddenly you could never reach the fan which usually hits you (at least you feel so) when you try to jump or clean stuffs at home. And the stool you usually move with a single finger never moves away from your leg no matter how hard you push it with your leg.

And once you are fed up with all that and you try to just go jump off from the terrace, suddenly and suprisingly the watchman would have locked the terrace door only on THAT day. And when you are completely down with the loser feeling that you are not even fit to kill yourself someone would call you to ask some doubt in your project. You forget everything else because the fear of project would be worse than the fear of killing yourself at that point.

And then when you are working on your project you try to plan your death and when you Google "how to suicide" you get results on how not to and some amazing mokka sights link like this.

And you start crying your heart out to your best friend and he would think you are lying and would start making fun of you. Then you end up writing pages in your personal diary. 

That is the sad story of many suicide failures. It actually requires the guts and strength which makes you feel living the life is much easier than being stupid.

The pinching reality

I want to become a doctor, I want to become a police officer, IAS officer or an engineer. The choices and dreams in minds are limited yet candid. There was no information, clue or reason to why we wanted to be so and if there was any it could be really silly. But these dreams make the days run, and these dreams become a need to live and grow and turn out to be the biggest tree of ambition. It takes the sleep, time, love and care. It makes us to concentrate and think of what we need to achieve every second. And once we get it, we turn back, feel proud of our-selves and pat our-selves on our backs.

But our run never stops with that. All these years when we were blindly running behind our dreams, climbing the self built ambition tree to taste the top most hanging fruit, we forget to understand what our surroundings need. We neglect the poor, we neglect the old, we neglect our own family and friends,we neglect our environment, we neglect our politicians and politics and we neglect our own country. We become blind, deaf and dumb to our world.

And once we realize what we have neglected, we understand those things what we never bothered about were the ones which were actually trying to cut our tree and stop its nourishment at many point of its growth. We get angry we fight for it; we get hurt; we lose. We, who are never used to giving up face the failure for the first time. And this failure is faced when we stopped being selfish and face our world as a whole. This failure makes us hate and think loud what has happened to my dear own soil. It makes us ignorant, it takes off the power of determination which we had in building up our own sweet tree.

This failure gives us fear. This fear makes us run. And this run reaches a destination. The grass in the opposite side is always greener. Now we feel we are in a place where we needn't bother about the things which brought us failure here. A place where our words will/may be heard. A place where rights and wrongs can be spoken loud. We become selfish again. We live our lives happily. 

And if we get a chance to come back to the place which seeded us, nourished us, let us grow and taste the fruit, we forget it is our soil and curse it. We speak highly of the much greener destination which gave us the freedom to be selfish and forget the soil which kindled our roots to fight and get our own things right.

And this wide spread unacceptable/ painful reality is called 'Brain Drain'.

My best friend

She treasures every single happiest moment in my life. She holds my smile, laughter, tears, sorrow, excitement, expectation, point of view, curses, hatred, anger, wants and needs. Every minute I want to tell something, share to someone she is always there for me, to listen to me patiently. Every gal's best friend she is and it is her specially cherished personal diary and so is mine to me.

The second I open up everything to her she drains off my emotions and sucks it all inside her and makes me use my brain and take proper decisions in life. Sometimes I get really angry on her because she'll remind me of the old stories I hate to remember and incidents I keep telling myself that it never happened, Sometime I even try to lie to her with a hope that what I said her is what really happened BUT she is really cunning and she knows how to get the truth out of me.

My best friend and worst enemy she is. 14 years with her has made me really matured and brave. She is every gal's dream. Unluckily many can’t possess her as they don't have the independence or freedom to hold her. But I feel lucky enough to hold her close to my heart all these years and always forever.

She has taught me many things no one else can/ none of the books or years of education can. She made my writing speed and skills to grow. She indirectly helped me to achieve my dreams and she is the true friend in need.

She holds pictures of my crush, my first attempt poems, my coin collection, my nature loving pictures, my crafts and origami, my favourite songs, quotes and much more. She is a patient teacher who always encourages me and guides me in everything I do.

Sometimes I think a lot, confuse myself and confuse her too. I lose my temper and shatter her into pieces. But when my anger subsides, my emotions melt down, I need her again and she readily comes back to me. My 'Sh' she is and will be so forever. 

Am sorry for those times when I had/have been very rude to you. But without you my life is impossible. Because you are the only one I open up to and you are the only one in this world who knows me as I'm - the real me.