Kashmir Diary

​I called you. I didn’t know why but i was suddenly feeling extremely low (uncomfortable/ butterflies in stomach?) and just couldn’t stop thinking about you. I knew my decision was out of blue as it had been years since I said good bye to you.

But at that moment all I wanted was to hear a ‘hi ‘from you. Suddenly, I was craving for the coarse voice with a silky finish that held a smile as it pronounced my name. I still couldn’t understand how such a normal sounding common name of mine became precious when it was said by you. 

The memories that I had locked deep under from the past came crawling up. I remembered how I was always special to you. Why did accidentally learn the news of you getting hurt when I had completely forgotten about your existence until that previous evening?

I had woken up in sweat and kept checking my special SNS the entire morning if you were on the list. I couldn’t find you and that was when, to make peace with my thoughts, I had decided to call you. 

Ok sorry I was lying a little there. I did always think about you in the past but it was usually just your name that used to cross my mind at random times mostly out of habit than out of any emotion. Most times it was just a name and nothing more. But the previous night it was different. I felt fear when I woke up and I wasn’t sure why. 

I wasn’t myself when I couldn’t contact you. I had no idea but i had to know what was happening. I had no choice and no option to find the answer. So I randomly visited hospitals to check - that was a crazy move but my instincts have never been wrong. So I kept searching for you.

I decided then to write to you. Do you even remember that I had started to write letters just for you years back. I got and lost that habit with you. But now again I wanted to do it - i wanted to say “are you ok? Please take care”.

Past came flooding back-  ‘the pain of experiencing the first snow without you beside me’, ‘the disheartening moments i spent in paradise in earth with loneliness hugging me’. ‘My crazy random decision of jumping from the mountain into the valley and went straight up to up and above’ - all came rushing back. I kept thinking about the moment when it was over.

I slowly sat down there and started counting the pages of the book i had kept the last 50years. Work had kept me going and being a gate keeper wasn’t easy at all. That was when  I heard that voice that had drowned me in love years back. I looked up and smiled. I was glad that you came late. I bent down and wrote one last letter for you in the book-

you name - birth day - death day. 

Finally it was over. 

I kissed, I closed -

the chapter- the book.

 you are worth the wait !