Kashmir Diary

​I called you. I didn’t know why but i was suddenly feeling extremely low (uncomfortable/ butterflies in stomach?) and just couldn’t stop thinking about you. I knew my decision was out of blue as it had been years since I said good bye to you.

But at that moment all I wanted was to hear a ‘hi ‘from you. Suddenly, I was craving for the coarse voice with a silky finish that held a smile as it pronounced my name. I still couldn’t understand how such a normal sounding common name of mine became precious when it was said by you. 

The memories that I had locked deep under from the past came crawling up. I remembered how I was always special to you. Why did accidentally learn the news of you getting hurt when I had completely forgotten about your existence until that previous evening?

I had woken up in sweat and kept checking my special SNS the entire morning if you were on the list. I couldn’t find you and that was when, to make peace with my thoughts, I had decided to call you. 

Ok sorry I was lying a little there. I did always think about you in the past but it was usually just your name that used to cross my mind at random times mostly out of habit than out of any emotion. Most times it was just a name and nothing more. But the previous night it was different. I felt fear when I woke up and I wasn’t sure why. 

I wasn’t myself when I couldn’t contact you. I had no idea but i had to know what was happening. I had no choice and no option to find the answer. So I randomly visited hospitals to check - that was a crazy move but my instincts have never been wrong. So I kept searching for you.

I decided then to write to you. Do you even remember that I had started to write letters just for you years back. I got and lost that habit with you. But now again I wanted to do it - i wanted to say “are you ok? Please take care”.

Past came flooding back-  ‘the pain of experiencing the first snow without you beside me’, ‘the disheartening moments i spent in paradise in earth with loneliness hugging me’. ‘My crazy random decision of jumping from the mountain into the valley and went straight up to up and above’ - all came rushing back. I kept thinking about the moment when it was over.

I slowly sat down there and started counting the pages of the book i had kept the last 50years. Work had kept me going and being a gate keeper wasn’t easy at all. That was when  I heard that voice that had drowned me in love years back. I looked up and smiled. I was glad that you came late. I bent down and wrote one last letter for you in the book-

you name - birth day - death day. 

Finally it was over. 

I kissed, I closed -

the chapter- the book.

 you are worth the wait !

A miracle for a change

 This was something I wrote in the year 2013 and posted it in my writing.com account. Out of blue when I was searching for writing prompts I came across this list of sites which are available for fellow author connects and that’s when the name ‘writing.com’ sparked something in my mind.

Well, I have definitely came across this a long back and maybe just maybe I also have an account in there. I tried to login with my usual username and password and Yes! I was able to login. 

I was going through my portfolio and most of the content in there were from here - it did make me feel nostalgic but also made me think how innocent and silly I was back then.

With a smile as I was scrolling on and that’s when I saw a post with this title. I didn’t even remember writing it and I felt this must have been a prompt response. So as a logical step to bring everything to one place, I am posting it in here as well.

“ Miracles happen every day and we usually don't recognise them. But yesterday was the day which made me think and act differently. Can one small gesture, word or act change our complete perspective about something? Something which we had assumed and followed for years? My answer would have been 'no' if someone asked me this 2 days back but that incident which happened on Jan 9th makes me say 'yes'.

My day started with orphanage visit (just like every other Wednesday) and I saw a girl who was studying with a book in her hand. This was not new because I have seen kids in orphanages studying amidst of distractions with little or no help. But the book that kid had made me think - 'financial accounting', the subject I loathed in my 1st year. I always felt it is the hardest subject in this world but she was skipping pages really fast completely engrossed in it. I went near her and asked what she was studying. She said she was a BBA student. I was shocked by that reply. 

The surrounding she was in, the distractions, lack of proper food, money and clothing - the atmosphere was so de-motivating and painful. I asked her how she was managing to study given her situation. She just smiled and replied me 'love is the answer for every question in this world'. It was a very simple sentence from a small girl which would or would not make sense, but the meaning it conveyed me changed my perspective of life. 

She loved that subject, someone loved to pay for her, someone loved to teach her, someone loved to spend time with her, and all this happens because people love to have better society and country. And this 'love' could be the answer for every single question in this world. This realization is the miracle I felt that changed my perspective of life.“

A lyrical mashup story

We all have heard more than a million versions in various languages where songs of same or similar ragas are brought together and sang as in a one song. I was wondering if that can be done for the music then why not for the words? So this is my attempt in doing that.

Every single phrase/ sentence in here is from a different song but then when it is all combined i hope for it to read as one random story. 

So here it goes -

“I think you’ve put me under a spell
I think my heart is going to stop
A little bit more, a little bit more
Look how I get more and more impatient”

“Seen the sun setting on the beach in Mexico

But I could care less, 'cause I was all alone”

“No matter the distance

I want you to know

That deep down inside of me”

“You are more than (You are more than)

Something borin' (Somethin' borin')

Legs up and tongue out, Michael Jordan, uh (Uh)

Go explorin' (Woo, woo)

Somethin' foreign (Skrrt, skrrt)”

“And I'd climb every mountain

And swim every ocean

Just to be with you

And fix what I've broken”

“Dad always told me, "Don't you cry when you're down"

But mum, there's a tear every time that I blink

Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know

A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved”

“Press “like” on my photos like you do for her

Let me talk to you too I wish I could tell

I feel so down so finally I’m giving up today”

“If only you could hold me close

This time I think I'm bound to stay alone”

“If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer

Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to”

Anda btw, can you guess them all?! I mean the songs? I know there is always Google if you want to make a playlist of these but if you still need answers then come back to my next blog post (but you all know me so that could be anytime between today and the next 5 years) 

A letter to my long forgotten Journal

​I have been staring at the piece of white sheet with horizontal lines on it with the pen just an inch away from making a blotch on it. I wanted to say that I have been thinking that entire time but I was too blank or dead within to even use that word. When was the last time the pen touched the paper? When was it that these papers were my solace and best friend? Do I even remember those days when I spent hours and hours pouring out my emotions to my dear papers and named them as SH (sweetheart) and loved them with every ounce of blood and sweat to spare?

Where is that person who did it all? Is she still there within me or the life which gifted me with beautiful bundles of experiences filled with thorns killed my bond with my sweetheart only to give me real physical humans with souls that could only empty me? I wonder.. i wonder.. as if I even gave the liberty to my brain to wonder…

There were the times, when I slowly took Step after step to just get into the pool of sorrow but SH stayed with me. It didn’t pull me up but gave me the peace that I felt once I had drained my heart through my eyes. I thanked the clarity I got when i went seeking for a mirror to look at there after - pour out and then wipe it to get up is astonishing. 

The ‘never again’ mode was turned on in me and I never felt it again - with no arrow released from a bow would be let to hit my heart, SH went long forgotten collecting dust just as my soul; lay in the corner and went long forgotten. 

And now I see someone working it’s way through a house of litter slowly plucking out each thorn and spider, working from smile to words. And then moved on to kindling back my likes. The mounds around the heart started breaking when songs were shared and books were spoken, little by little the sparks emerged and glowed.

There surely were moments when rain of tears hit the sparks back but there was always a hand to save the last glow and bring it all back. And finally it did reach to the soul when the question of “ok so why are you not writing anymore” came up. 

SH was remembered for the first time not to stay with for pain but as friend in pleasure swelling up in my heart seeking for a home where SH could smile for me while I touch the pen on the paper I was staring at and forget the moments when she just had to be a shoulder she could never be and get eroded by dropping wetness  

Diwali Pattimandram 2021

The last few years it has become an household habit to listen to every single pattimandrams that are telecasted  for special occasions across Tamil tv channels. Though there was a time when I used to listen to such talks for the topics, now it has come to listening for the people. I do have personal favourites like Barathi and Raja. And I am sure they are for many other Tamilians.

This one was a little emotional and special as it is about  who is being more responsible for a child’s growth - men or women. There were many statements and moments when I laughed but now while thinking about it makes me a little uneasy. That unexplainable feeling one gets when the soul truth is questioned or touched is something that is hard to explain in words or emotions. To put it in another way - soul truth is the unwritten truth/principle/rule which we write down in our brain for ourselves and for our society. It can be as simple as ‘I woke up at 10AM this is unacceptable’ to something like global warming and beyond. Every human has this and also this is the reason why all the judgements in this world exists. 

So coming back to the pattimandram, I didn’t remember most of the words, actions and statements that made me uneasy when the show was over but it got me thinking to how constantly tuning myself to be more inclusive and accepting of individuals has also made me become a judgmental person of people who are not inclusive. 

This sure is an irony. Just think of being in a position where an chauvinistic person asks us why he/she is not accepted as a fellow human when only those who suffered are. In a way this sounds silly but what if that judgement and excluding behaviour came because of something they had experienced? Is there a reason why a white supremacist hates POC? A particular so called higher caste person hates another so called lower caste? Etc. Has there ever been reasons on an individual level to be so without considering the “because I have been taught so” population? Are we all looking at just the exit of the tunnel without realising there is a landslide on the entry side? Are we really covering all the sides of the cube? Are we including the excluded and being truly inclusive? 

The world is changing and the other side has to be looked at as well before it becomes too late and then there comes a need to repeat everything for the now so called upper handed side. We are all here to seek for balance so we need to ensure that we need to stop bringing things up or down the second the balance is reached for the balance to prevail. But do we really know when the balance will click? 

Something to ponder - something to remember while trying to be truly and wholeheartedly inclusive of all kinds and flavours and thoughts of humans.