Long for life

He is near me, holding my hand. But I don’t want to look at him. I just want to look around and see what others are experiencing. I want to just look into each person’s eyes from a distance and aborb their emotions through osmosis. Being the state I am in, absorbing various ‘higher’ emotions within me has always been easy.

I want to be someone else, just anyone in that big hall, anyone except me. I want to shut down my brain stop expecting because I know the wait is over. I don’t have any more strength. I want to feel those emotions in other’s eyes – the smile, the pain, the tears and yes over there in that eyes the happiness. But no I can’t becuase I have to be me – just me without any emotions, with a fake smile that will never reach my eyes. I am a body without soul but those hands which is holding me needs to see my fake smile. So I turn and look.

“It is ok. We can always adopt” – he said

I respond him with the fake smile. The one he was expecting. I always give him what he expects from me. And so has he to me. Everything but this.

And then I hear laughter, tears, geniune smiles. I turn around to look, to start playing my favourite game of osmosis on random souls with emotions (something I have lost it forever) Just to feel a little hand, too little to be called as it to be a human’s rest on my arm. It feels cold and I look at those faces with a jerk. The doctor said some unprouncable words and declared the tiniest body as a still born.

I am confused, I just don’t understand because I can feel that little finger touching my arm actually moving. I can see itz owner’s faces saying a different story about that soul than what I actually feel. Is my sense of touch which is betraying me or is it my sense of hearing? I grab the little soul – i make the crowd yell and i shake it hard. I make the tiny bundle also yell in the process.

I give the bunsle back. I turn – I smile – it did touch my eyes. I took hold of that hand which always kept holding me for these past 15 years everytime we were in this hall,

“It is ok. I just experienced creating a life” – I said.